American Corporate Journalism in a Nutshell
Story templates and policies for new reporters
Welcome new reporters! We at News and Commentary INC would like to help you get started on your new career with us. Firstly, here are some of our most popular story templates employed by our reporting staff. Feel free to help yourself and if you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask your editor.
- Something you eat causes cancer! This is the perennial filler for any slow news day, or any day you just can’t seem to get it together. Just pick a food starting with a random letter, pull this template out of the medical studies file, and there’s a 99% chance that it has been part of at least one study.
- This new germ is coming to get you! It’s already killed two people in Inner Swasthania and it can spread! They’re all in the pandemic file, just choose one.
- Is this the end of the road for Candidate B? After pulling ahead of Candidate A last week with that (antic / remark), Candidate B just did themself in with an (antic / remark) for the ages — just (XX) months before the election! It’s the first template in the political file.
- All the ways you’re sabotaging your career/marriage/health/happiness! You’re really your own worst enemy, and here’s how and why — psychology file, template # 6.
- Another prominent politician says nuclear war is coming! Yes, it could very well be true, but make it sound like it’s this weekend. World affairs file, template # 13.
- Your kid is keeping dangerous secrets from you! Pick from one of the templates in the parenting file: bullying, depression, addiction, suicide, pregnancy, etc.
- Somebody famous is “breaking their silence!” It doesn’t matter what it’s about. Put this headline on your humdrum interview and double its readership with the promise that juicy secrets are about to spill.
- If you have this symptom, you are about to die! This is a sure click-baiter, especially useful for a newbie wanting to make a good impression in their read statistics. Medical file, template # 17.
- A comet or asteroid is coming to destroy the Earth! Science file, template # 24.
- Everybody is happy, laughing, and dancing in a bright, technicolor world, and you can be too! This is our corporate advertisement video production file. As you know, journalism is a highly competitive world and News and Commentary must compete with all the others out there — so our ads must compete as well. Set it with the actors in a big suburban show house with a brand-new car, two smiling kids, and a happy dog. And get them dancing, dancing, dancing!
Now for a word about policy. There are certain topics that are taboo to mention without express permission and review from Corporate. These are: unions, labor, wages, inflation, pensions, cost-of-living, health insurance and employment benefits, part-time versus full time, poverty, and any kind of economic practice or policy.
In addition, it is important that you adhere to our philosophical policy. We at News and Commentary recognize that journalism is above such anachronistic dualities as truth and lies, facts and fabrications, right and wrong, and good and evil. Such quaint notions are, in fact, just the vapid fantasies of stupid people.
Journalism is for smart people. And as smart people, we recognize that in reality, all of this is only a matter of opinion. Stupid people will quarrel, rage, riot, and even fight wars over such things.
Smart people, on the other hand, have long ago seen the only value of it all.
News is just scaring stupid people into looking at content with our sponsors’ advertisements. And commentary is just putting stupid people on the opposite sides of any opinion spectrum into the same room and charging admission to the fight. None of it is actually important. It’s really just fodder for entertainment, after all.
So that’s it in a nutshell. Welcome to the smart club!